Just recently, I was having lunch with two yoga buddies who were mutual grandparents of a three year old, their first and only grandchild. They were bemoaning the fact that the boy was sleeping in his parents’ bed every night and they were worried about their children’s parenting and the effect on the child. I told them I had worried about the same issue, and now with six grandchildren, the oldest age twenty and the youngest age six, after doing research and observing my own grandchildren growing up with the family bed, I can assure them that the child will be just fine. I told them that I had a blog post for them to read, and updated it for them, and for you.
When this Grandma was raising children, the marital bed belonged to the husband and wife. The children spent time in the marital bed when they were ill or some weekend mornings, but “the family bed” was an unknown concept to this family. . . .
. . . .until the parents of our grandchildren became parents. I always blame new trends on the movie stars, our royalty. I believe “the family bed’ became popular with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sleeping with all of their children. The family bed is the practice of having babies and children sleeping in the same bed as their parent(s). I read that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a gigantic bed, three meters, almost ten feet wide, made to accommodate all of the children. I do not know if this is true or not, but I cannot imagine all those kicking legs at one time and a parent getting any sleep.
PopPop and I tried to figure out this “family bed” concept. We couldn’t. When we were raising children, we would go into our children’s bed to help them fall asleep. We would read them bedtime stories in their bed. If they needed us in the middle of the night, we joined them in their bed. It worked for us. Our children survived. When we visited our younger grandchildren, we mostly found them in their parents’ beds.
The grandchildren are watching television in their parents’ beds in the evenings and the mornings in both households. But more than that, the younger grandchildren, from birth, slept with their parents. Even now, the youngest falls asleep in his mother’s bed and usually ends up their all night.
I did research on the internet of course. I found that the “experts” find that it does not make a difference either way in child development whether or not they sleep in a family bed. The children are fine either way. They eventually will sleep in their own bed.
However, after contemplating the years of visits with the grandchildren, I am rethinking my original negative thoughts about the family bed.
On vacation, the grandchildren cuddled with us in our king size bed whenever we were in the hotel room, playing on their electronics or watching television or just talking. We love having the grandchildren in our bed. None of them slept in our bed, but they do like sleeping in our room. When they nap, sometimes we nap with them in our bed. If this is an unintended consequence of the family bed concept, this Grandma is all for it.
When we visited our older grandchildren, one or the other was falling asleep in our arms in our bed. That closeness, too, is so precious and enjoyable for this Grandma. When we visited our younger grandchildren or they visited us, they too were quick to jump in our bed. The youngest, tended to throw open our door at the first sign of daylight, and yells, “surprise” and jumped in our bed to cuddle with us. . . .excuse me, with our I pad! That gave us an extra minute or two of sleep until he wanted us to watch him play.
This Grandma often watched the younger grandchildren overnight. Their mother left for work before dawn and got me to go into her bed to take her place with the youngest child, then three years old. He had to sleep touching her, and since their father was out of town, I was the person to lay against him. It was surprising how quickly I fell back to sleep with that delicious small body touching mine. Just a few moments later, I felt the next older grandchild join us and lean against me on the other side. I soon became the grandma sandwich and was in grandma heaven . . . .until the body heat warmed me up. Of course, I could not move and wake them, so I just lay looking at my precious grandchildren until the first sign of daylight, when the youngest jumped up and said, “surprise.” At least I know he does that with his parents too.
The grandchildren and I talked about sleeping with their parents and why they liked it. Then, I realized the true benefit to the family bed. This is an era when children having their own rooms is considered preferable, single dorm rooms are most requested, and adults are enjoying living alone. . . and sleeping alone. These grandchildren prefer a body next to them in a bed. All the grandchildren like having company watching television or spending time in bed with someone they love. They love to fall asleep touching someone. Aha! In this Grandma’s opinion, I am more likely than not to become a great grandmother some day! I think all the grandchildren will want a mate to share their bed having good memories of sharing a bed with their parents. In this era where marriage seems to be becoming a thing of the past, our grandchildren may be more apt to marry because of being raised with the family bed.
Now, the youngest of the three younger brothers who is turning six sleeps over often. We fall asleep watching a movie, he in my arms. He, too, must touch me as he falls asleep. Grandma joy!
Yes, I am again rethinking my original negative thoughts about “the family bed.” This concept has merit for this Grandma. After all, we eventually learn as parents that it really does not matter much what our philosophy is as parents. The children survive us and our parenting philosophy. . . .and parenting mistakes. If we give them love, security, boundaries, and support they will be fine. As parents, we over think all of our actions. As grandparents, we want the parents not to repeat our mistakes, but we too learn that we cannot do so, and should just hold our tongues. Different is not better or worse. Different also can bring
Joy,
Mema