This Grandma hated toilet training. The oldest daughter was a clean freak and would only go at home, even after being toilet trained. It made life seem like a prison, being locked at home or close to home. The actual training was easy with two girls. The youngest wanted to be like her older sister and just discarded diapers herself at age nineteen months. The worst part of toilet training was the apparent competition among the mothers. The earlier the better, and we were training our children very early, when they were toddlers. The children survived us.
My Mother,GG (great grandmother), said that I, in the previous generation, was toilet trained at six months. I told her that she was trained and I must have spent most of my babyhood sitting on a potty. She insisted. She said she would run water in the faucet, and I would go. No water conservation back then, I think. I then understood why I have to urge to go when I hear running water.
This generation of grandchildren clearly has less pressure. Toilet training is later for them.
I just returned from the now four year old’s birthday party that he shared with his “girlfriend,” an adorable blond whose birthday is days apart from his. The mothers were smart. Last year they coordinated dates and this year they combined the parties, making it easier on all the other parents by having to attend one party on the weekend. At the party, a mother came up to me and asked if I knew that my grandson was famous. That concerned me immediately. He can be a hand full, although he is outgoing, funny, and happy all the time. She said he is the only boy in their three year old class who pees standing up. It seems all the boys gather around to watch this phenomenon and are so impressed. I started laughing. I was so surprised. She said the boys in this three year old group have been slow in being toilet trained and he was very early, as well as impressing them that he stands when he pees. I explained that he has an older brother, but was surprised that the fathers have not taught them to stand up. She said at the preschool the potties are very small but at home, unless they use a stool, they cannot stand up. That ended our conversation, although I made her repeat the story to both the mother and father of our grandson who were as amused as I was.
Early is out and late is in for toilet training in this generation. This Grandma likes the lack of stress and pressure, although now it seems, the stress and pressure for little boys is to learn to stand to pee! Who knew!
When I returned home, I immediately called a dear long (we never say old) friend who raised boys. I told her the story. She too was amused and explained that training boys is very different than training girls. She said, with boys, one must be careful not to distract them if they are peeing standing up, even when they hit six or seven years old. Their aim is where they turn, and if you distract them, pee will be everywhere. I learned that Cheerios have another function. When she was training the boys to pee standing up, she said she would throw cheerios into the toilet and have them target shoot.
Then I went on the internet to see what the recommended age is for toilet training now. On WebMD I found:
“Your child must be both physically and emotionally ready for toilet training. Most children are ready to start when they are between 22 and 30 months of age, but every child is different. Toilet training usually becomes a long and frustrating process if you try to start it before your child is ready.”
“Before children can use the toilet, they must be able to control their bowel and bladder muscles. Some signs of this control are having bowel movements around the same time each day, not having bowel movements at night, and having a dry diaper after a nap or for at least 2 hours at a time. Children must also be able to climb, talk, remove clothing, and have mastered other basic motor skills before they can use the toilet by themselves.”
“Most children are physically ready to toilet train before they are emotionally ready. Your child must want to use the toilet and be willing to cooperate with you. He or she may even talk about being a “big boy” or “big girl” and wearing underpants rather than diapers. Training generally does not go well if your child is in the stage where “no” is his or her automatic response to every request.”
This clearly explains why the second sibling of the same sex is apt to be trained earlier. This Grandma was shocked that the age to start toilet training from “experts” has not increased significantly. I guess the pressure on parents is still there. After all, toilet training seems to be a big topic of discussion in the preschool three class.
Then, of course, were the websites that advised how to toilet train in one week or one day. From my grandma friend, I learned that her daughter used those techniques and they do work. It just means being in prison for a week. That is clearly better than the several months I endured nearly four decades ago.
The internet can be a scary place. By accident, I found an awful article on a study that is awful:
In “Potty Training Best Between Ages 2 and 3,” September 17, by Jennifer Thomas, on ABC News on line, the best time to start toilet training is still recommended to be between the second and third birthdays.
However, Ms. Thomas writes:
“A new study suggests 27 to 32 months is the ideal window for moving your child out of diapers. Children who were toilet trained after 32 months were more likely to have urge incontinence — daytime wetting and bed-wetting — between ages 4 and 12. And potty training children sooner than 27 months generally doesn’t work either, according to background information in the study. Prior research has shown potty training too soon just prolongs the process.”
“There are two schools of thought on potty training. One is to try to train the kids very, very early, and another says you should wait until kids are older and demonstrating signs of being ready. But there has never been a study scientifically showing when is the best time,” said lead study author Dr. Joseph Barone, chief of urology at Bristol-Myers Squibb Children’s Hospital in New Brunswick, N.J. “This study gives parents an idea of when it’s a good time to train,” he said. Although there are always parents on the playground who brag they trained their child in a day, the study — published in the December 2009 issue of the Journal of Pediatric Urology — found timing was more important than technique.”
“Researchers asked the parents of 157 children ages 4 to 12 who were seen by a doctor for urge incontinence about when they started potty training and which method they used. Their answers were compared to those from the parents of 58 children matched for age, gender, race and other factors who did not have urge incontinence. The mean age for toilet training of children with urge incontinence was 31.7 months, compared to 28.7 months for children who did not have problems with daytime wetting.”
“As for technique, parents were given three choices: a child-oriented approach, described as waiting for the child to show signs of readiness before initiating training and then letting the child direct the toilet training process; a parent-oriented approach, described as starting training when the parent was ready and then bringing the child to the toilet at regular, defined intervals, or a combination of the two. Researchers found no difference in the method of toilet training and the likelihood of having problems with wetting at ages 4 to 12.”
It seems that the stress upon parents is still there, because experts are saying not to be stressed. Now, parents have to be stressed about the consequences of late toilet training:
“Many parents approach potty training as something over which they have total control,” Stavinoha said. “Parents are a big contributor to their child’s development, but they don’t really control it. Parents are there to facilitate, to guide, to reinforce and to praise, but parents shouldn’t put pressure on themselves that if they do a series of steps, the children will achieve a certain outcome.”
Aha! This Grandma is right again. The age at which children are be toilet trained has increased. As Ms. Thomas concludes:
“If you feel like you’ve been changing diapers forever, you’re not alone. Over the last few decades, the mean age of potting training has crept up in the United States and other countries, including Brazil, Switzerland and China, the article said. In 1980, the mean age U.S. children were toilet-trained was 26 months. In 2003, it was 36.8 months. One possible explanation for later potty training is the widespread availability and convenience of disposable diapers, the study authors propose.”
I remember how appalled my mother was that I was putting the very first paper diapers (yes, they are nearly four decades old) on her granddaughter. They leaked, they tore, and we still had to use real diaper pins to hold them together. Yes, we grandmas are that experienced (we never say old). I could not wait to get my child out of them, but refused to use cloth.
What! Cloth diapers are coming back because of the environment. I bet using a water faucet will mean a bucket and hand pouring in this upcoming generation.
Everything comes around again.
Joy,
Mema