I wish I came up with this title, but I didn’t. Bruce Feiler, the author of “The Secrets of Happy Families,” wrote a column with this title in the New York Times, Sunday, January 13, 2013, about “more creative bribing” of children—“or to be more precise, the giving of blunt, uncreative rewards for desired behavior.” As a new year’s resolution, Mr. Feiler decided to find a better way than to use “threats or bribes” to get his children to do what he wants them to do. He quotes two professors of psychology, a director of the Yale Parenting Center and a best-selling author and comes up with three excellent ideas and how to accomplish them. Here is grandma’s way to train a parent and spare a child.
The first idea given to Mr. Feiler in the article was “The Talking Cure” by Dr, Deci, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, which, as quoted by Mr. Feiler, has three steps for parents to follow to get children to do what you want them to do: (1) “be clear about why what you’re asking them to do is important;” (2) “be interested in their point of view;” and (3) “if it’s something they hate doing, acknowledge that, tell them you understand it’s not fun, yet the reason they need to do it is as follows.”
Wow! A lot of work. Parenting is a lot of work. Grandparenting is supposed to no responsibility and the most fun and joy. I, as a grandma, have no interest in the talking cure. Here is my cure. Take the alternative of “make it a game” and make it a grandma career of making EVERYTHING a game.
Be silly, be funny, distract, and, at the same time, put the boots on your grandchild yourself. We can then get to where the fun really will begin without spoiling the trip by the process of getting ready, as parents always seem to do. Parents have the responsibility to teach skills. Grandparents do not have the responsibility of “the negative long term consequences of short term incentives.” We don’t have to bribe or talk. We can just plain do for our grandchildren what they do not want to do when we are with them.
There are other grandma alternatives. If a grandchild resists a parent who wants the grandchild to go potty before we leave (sound familiar), create a “pee pee dance” and a “poopy dance” and say grandma really needs to do the pee dance right now so let’s get to the bathroom right away. I have followed parents’ need to toilet train and created two very silly dances that one of grandma age could do in cramped places. Yes, just imagine! My pee pee dance involves a modified jumping jack – why not exercise during the tedious toilet training process. The alternative of cramping down to read books over and over again just hurts our knees and back after repeating the story fourteen times (sound familiar). My silly dance is really silly and generates smiles if not outright giggles. I must admit that I am very uncoordinated and the jumping jacks are all messed up and done wrong . . . especially when your arms hit the walls. Now you know how awful gym was for me in elementary school. My poopy dance includes attempting to alternate lifting my knees parallel to my hips properly from my gluts and hip flexors, as shown to me by my yoga teacher, which always comes out silly because I cannot do this correctly. I am simultaneously clapping my hands under the raised knee. Again, upper and lower body exercise! This one I try to do faster and faster which helps my grandchildren laugh harder as I cannot do this with any grace, on purpose and in reality. On the purpose makes me feel better about the reality.
Number three in the grandma cure is distraction. You would be surprised at how lame the distraction can be and still work. “Look, there’s an elephant outside the window.” “Oops, sorry, it is just a low cloud that swooped down and then got blown away quickly by a wind gust.” I exaggerate my demonstration by making circles with my arms and blowing hard in a silly fashion. “Really?” asks the young grandchild skeptically. “Come on, Mema,” says the older grandchild, but laughing. Either way, the jacket has been put on by me during grandma’s cure and we are ready to go on our way.
Amazing how I am willing to be silly and slapstick often with my grandchildren and how effective silly and funny is with my grandchildren. Amazing how mortified their parents are at my words and actions. So how have we trained a parent and spared a child? When my daughter says to a grandchild, go get your coat on now or else, grandma says, “I’ll help.” Off we go out of the prying eyes and ears of the parent. Get it. Yes, you may steal my creations for your own or modify as desired.
I must just mention the last two ideas given to Bruce Feiler by experts. The first is reward after the act. In my parenting day, I thought this was called “positive reinforcement” by the experts. Ignore the bad behavior and praise the good behavior. Grandparents are experts at this. Our grandchildren can do no wrong. Everything they do is wonderful, original, unique, and amazing. Everything our grandchildren do deserves a reward. To a grandma, a grandchild waking up with grandma present in the morning deserves ice cream for breakfast. Remember dessert first.
Finally, praise is usually a sufficient reward, according to Carol Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford, who is quoted in the article as to how to praise a child. Another grandparent expertise! Everything my grandchildren do deserves praise and I praise them often at all times of the days. Not only do I believe they are the best, they should be told they are the best whenever I can do so. Who else but a grandparent provides a grandchild with unconditional love and adoration twenty four seven!
I laughed at the last two paragraphs of the article. This was more the reality I know. “If you’re under a lot of stress or in a bad place, then having a conversation at that moment is not going to work.” Bruce Feiler, the author, ends with “[a]nd that, in the end, may be the biggest lesson of all. While my New Year’s resolution started out as a way to get better results from my children, the real person I needed to retrain was myself.”
Yes. And call grandma. Why do you think we grandparents are never without presents and candy when we visit!
Joy,
Mema
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