The Today Show, on May 11, 2017, had a segment about an admirable new project, maternity concierge, that businesses are starting. They featured a bank that has established a maternity concierge. Watch the video segment:
The featured bank found that they were losing their female employees who were on maternity leave and they found that mothers decided when the baby was about a year old not to return to work. These were valuable employees to the company. The company established a maternity concierge who would help their pregnant employees navigate the pregnancy, the events that take place, the preparation for the new baby, and if it was the second baby to adapt the family to the second addition. A beneficiary of the program said that it enabled her to concentrate on work at work and on home at home and made her a much more successful and satisfied employee. The employer said that the program cost six figures but was worth it.
There are not many companies that can afford a six-figure program. When this grandma watched the program, I realized that I had acted as the maternity concierge for the professional women mothers of my grandchildren and continue to be the concierge for them whenever I can and whenever they ask me. I realized that it started long before they announced a pregnancy. I know life is hard and I want to use my long years’ experience (and self taught research and shopping skills) to make my children’s and grandchildren’s life easier.
I think the term, concierge, is best explained and defined on a website that promotes jobs, called snagajob.com:
What do concierges do?
“History lesson: The term “concierge” originates from the French comte des cierges or “keeper of the candles.” The comte des cierges in medieval France tended to visiting nobles in castles. Fast forward a good 400 years to modern France, and the concierge usually lived in an apartment on the premises of Parisian apartments and hotels and attended to all the needs of guests and residents. Over the last several centuries the live-in concierge has been replaced by part-time and full-time guest service workers.”
“A concierge’s responsibilities will vary based on the level of service provided by their employer. In high-end, or luxury, hotels and apartment buildings, a concierge may act as a butler; booking dinner reservations, transportation and generally making the impossible, possible are all par for the course. Concierges use hotel contacts and businesses to fulfill any request a guest may have during the course of their stay.”
Making the impossible, possible! I like that. However, I think actually making the impossible possible is the easy part of navigating one’s role as a grandma concierge.
Here are this Grandma’s tips on making impossible, possible as a maternity concierge and continuing concierge to the parents of our grandchildren. . .or not.
RESPECT THE MARITAL PARTNERSHIP
This Grandma, being an expert on divorce, was intent on not having divorce be something that our grandchildren suffered through. In order to do that, I believe that one of my primary jobs as grandma is to keep the marriage of their parents strong. To do that, I must respect the marital partnership.
When the parents of the grandchildren were newlyweds, I encouraged the creation and promotion of intimacy and the intimate connection between the newlyweds. I wanted them to be a unit and a strong union and put each other first. I had to bolster them as a team and me as an ancillary cheerleader and assistant. I encouraged them to go away every three months, away from their homes, for twenty four hours, with no children, no electronics. This renews intimacy. During this time away, they plan the next. You guessed it. We grandmas can take care of the dog or the children. See post: Grandma’s View on Promoting Intimacy and Love.
Respecting the marital partnership means walking a tightrope and not crossing a fine line when trying to be a maternity concierge or a concierge for the parents of the grandchildren. I must admit it is easier to do with your own children than your in-law children as your own children will be more forgiving if grandma unintentionally crosses the line. The line involves respecting your child as an adult and a member of a marital partnership when you clearly also remember her, or him, as the child you toilet trained.
When the pregnancy is announced, grandma is, of course, overjoyed and wants to help in any way. The trick is to find out what help the parents-to-be want and not overstep bounds to accomplish what they ask. This is an ongoing balancing act. After all, a recurring theme of this blog is that the parents of our grandchildren are the gatekeepers and we want open access to our grandchildren.
LESS IS MORE
There is information overload today. We had little information during our pregnancies and when we were raising children. We learned a lot from our mistakes. We want to share what we know. However, times are different, and we may or may not know the best new techniques. The parents of our grandchildren have the internet, and the internet can be a scary place to navigate for parenting information. We do not want to add to their stress and angst. Also, maternity and parenting information changes, with the wind, it seems, and the best advice sometimes is no advice, except showing how some things go in circles. See post: What Grandmas Know About Babies Sleeping Through The Night Predates the Studies and Shows The Value of Experience
Despite our vast parenting experience, it is the parents of our grandchildren’s choice as to how they are going to parent. We Grandmas Must Not Forget Our Golden Rule: We Must Do As the Parents of Our Grandchildren Direct.
We must do less, not more, to avoid what they may take as intrusion and resulting in their avoidance of us:
Allow the parents to dictate as to their life together as new parents
Listen and love and say little that would cause more stress.
Pamper the parents to be and the parents of our grandchildren.
Find a grandma hobby that you love to do and helps everyone.
The best thing you can do is make sure the parents to be are healthy and happy and relaxed and secure: THE FIRST RULE OF NEVER SAY NO.
Find the detail on the above four recommendations at the blog post: Songs, Sonograms, Shopping, and Creating a History
NEVER SAY NO
A major recurring theme of this blog is NEVER SAY NO. It is worthy of all capital letters. There are two posts that tell why and how to remove the word ‘no’ from your vocabulary as soon as the pregnancy is announced, to the date of your death. Yes, this Grandma thinks it is a lifelong effort toward the parents of grandchildren to the parents of great grandchildren to avoid the no word. There are great alternatives. Try “maybe” or ‘let me think about it and get back to you (give date)” to give you time to give options and alternatives that work for you.
Never Say No Number 2
Think about how Number 2 might also apply to the parents of our grandchildren. Sometimes, no good turn goes unpunished. But, remember, the parents of our grandchildren are adults and if they are asking for our help, we should try to accommodate them, or they may not ask again. We want closeness, not distance from the families of our grandchildren.
SHARE NO JUDGMENTS
A lot of wanting a maternity concierge is because coming to the professional concierge for assistance and help means the concierge, being a stranger, makes no judgments. I almost called this tip, “Make No Judgments,” but realized that such is impossible. We just should not share them with the parents of our grandchildren.
I have learned over the years how to ask questions so that the parents of the grandchildren are able to say no, but do not feel that you are intrusive or are judging them. I tend to do my own research and pass along what I have learned for the parents of the grandchildren to let me know what they think.
Would you like me to help with this?
Would you like to hear what I know (or found out)?
There is even a better way. A blog post includes another great tip I got from a dear grandma friend who continues to give me grandma lessons: Our Grandchildren Will Grow Up Just Fine Even Though We Are Not Raising Them, Even In Today’s Society When the Parents May Or May Not Be Married
As said in that post:
“Remember, the next time you think you could do a better job of parenting your grandchildren say to yourself: I survived my parents raising me. My children survived me. My grandchildren will survive being raised by their parents. “
PAYING FOR A PROFESSIONAL CONCIERGE IS ALSO BEING A GRANDMA CONCIERGE
So many of us Boomer Grandmas are still working and do not have the time to act as a grandma concierge to our children or grandchildren. Many of us Boomer Grandmas worked all our lives and want to spend our free time our way. Many of us Boomer Grandmas want to act as nannies and many of us don’t want to relive the parenting years. Many of us do not have the interest in devoting time to such a job, or aspects of the job. It may mean deciding whether you will do their list of chores without complaint when you do not do the same chores at your own home.
There is good news. There are private professional concierge services in packages or a la carte that can serve as Grandma’s behind the scenes helper or as a gift from Grandma to the parents of the grandchildren. I know I have found enrichment tutors for the grandchildren, even though I was a teacher. I knew enough that a stranger providing the service to the grandchildren meant they would pay greater attention and not take advantage of me, the spoiling and indulging grandma.
Do the research for the parents as to concierge services or providers of specific needed services in their area. People are going into the business of being personal maternity concierges and we can buy that service. Read, “Personal Services for the Very Busy, Pregnant Exec,” by Daniel Bukszpan, Apr 08, 2015 Fortune magazine.
Less expensive it seems is a website such as Toduebaby.com, where you can gift packages and services, but I could not find any reviews nor are any of the blog posts recent.
Most inexpensive for us is that we can encourage the parents of our grandchildren to work for a company that is adopting the policy of a maternity concierge, and be off the hook completely.
EVEN AN UNPAID GRANDMA CONCIERGE MAKES MISTAKES
Have I failed in what I’m recommending to you? Yes, many times. Has what I have said or done caused what I perceived as problems? Yes, and I am always sorry and hope that the damage is not too great.
So the final tip is to not beat yourself up. None of us are perfect.
We can try to be the best maternity concierge or concierge to the parents of our grandchildren or choose to be the grandma we feel comfortable being. Parenting is hard and once the children arrive, we have no choice but to parent 100%. Grandparenting is all joy and no responsibility. We should not do what does not give us joy. It will become obvious sooner or later. We can choose how much responsibility we want to undertake. We can choose how much we want to be involved. We, as grandparents, do not have to be “all in” or ‘all out.” Think about how doing nothing is sometimes doing no harm. We can use some of the tips to enrich our lives and the lives of our children and grandchildren without being the grandma concierge. In some ways and at certain times, every grandparent is a concierge to the parents of our grandchildren.
Yes, we can voluntarily choose not to be a grandparent concierge at all with
Joy,
Mema
#PersonalServicesfortheVeryBusyPregnantExecbyDanielBukszpanApr082015Fortunemagazine #maternityconciergeservices #tipsongrandmabeingaconciergetotheparentsofourgrandchildren #httpwwwtoduebabycom #tipsongrandmabeingamaternityconcierge #MaternityConciergeOffersInnovativeNewPerksForParents #TheTodayShowMay112017
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