When my grandchild says, “I can’t pick up the toys,” that is so easy for Grandma. First, I show the difference between “I can’t” and “I don’t want to.” Please let me see your hands. Please wiggle your fingers. Please lift them up over your head. You can even do “Simon Says.” See, your hands work. So what I think you mean is that you CAN pick up your toys, but you don’t want to pick up your toys. I love the sly smile that comes next.
Now, the easy part. Everything Grandma does is a game. There are so many different clean up games. I try to avoid “I can’t pick up the toys,” by not saying we are going to clean up. I just go right into the clean up song and start picking up.
The song goes, “Clean up. Clean up. Everyone. Everywhere. Clean up. Clean up. Everybody does their share.” If you don’t know the tune, the tiniest toddler in day care and preschool can teach you. Keep repeating until everything is cleaned up.
If that doesn’t work, then I start the games.
“I am going to close my eyes after I look around and count to ten. When I open them, I will try to guess which toy disappeared because you put it away.” “I want to see if you can put that toy away before I count to ten. Then it will be your turn to see if I can put a toy away before you count to ten.” “Let’s see who can put more toys away faster, you or me.” “Let’s see if you can carry that toy on your head and not drop it before you put it away.” “I spy something yellow and I can put it away before you can.”
You can come up any variation. Just remember this takes time. Parents end up screaming and frustrated because they do not have the time Grandma has or the patience to be clever at this moment. Therefore, when a parent says the child must clean up now or else, you say, “I’ll help (grandchild’s name). Don’t worry. Everything will be cleaned up. It will just take a few minutes longer.” If the child is frustrated and screaming too, usually because the parent was frustrated and screaming, it may mean telling the child that you and the child must have a secret. Have the child come close (and get in some hugs) and say, “I know you are able to clean up always and now is a special case, so if you cannot help right now, I will clean up for you just this time. But, if we do it together, we can do it faster. Mema needs your help. Will you help ME?” I have never had a grandchild say no. And we do it with smiles and giggles, as I intentionally drop some or fall down in a funny way holding a heavy toy.
Asking someone to help you always makes them feel important. Our grandchildren are always very important.
Sometimes the “I can’t” is about a skill they have not mastered, such as learning how to tie shoelaces. As a Grandma, I really love Velcro! The parents of our grandchildren have no recollection that we did not have Velcro when they were little. I try to use big vocabulary words first. I say, “I know you are capable.” They ask what the words mean invariably. In the meantime, you are helping them make the rabbit ears. My daughters, at two years of age, would respond that they were not capable. Please do not laugh at their pronunciation of the large words you use. They want to please.
If they say they “can’t,” I then remind them of one of my favorite picture books, “The Little Engine that Could.” If your grandchild does not have this book in his or her library, please immediately get a copy, read it and memorize it for the moment your grandchild says, “I can’t.” Or be ready to pull it out. The overview of the book, available for $4.99 in paperback on Amazon (click here) says, “”I think I can! I think I can!” This well-loved classic tale of the Little Blue Engine who isn’t afraid to try has and will continue to inspire and entertain generations of children. Although he is not very big, the Little Blue Engine agrees to try to pull a stranded train full of toys over the mountain.
For the older grandchild, think of a story of someone who overcame adversity who really “can’t” and those who also learned they could help. On the Today Show on NBC, January 30, 2013, was a segment about an Iraqi veteran who lost both his arms and his legs in combat. He was okay with losing his legs but he really missed his arms. He could not scratch his nose! (your grandchild will immediately scratch his or her nose). See, imagine how it would be if you really “can’t.” The soldier was so positive, upbeat and funny that the doctors at Johns Hopkins Medical Center were intent on finding a way to give the soldier arms, real arms, not wooden arms. They practiced and practiced and tried and tried (see, copy The Little Engine That Could), and finally decided they COULD operate and give him real arms. When there was a match to him when a man died, the family donated the dead man’s arms to the brave soldier. After a whole day of surgery (13 hours told to us on television), the soldier got two new arms in a transplant. The soldier knows it will take him three years (you will be in __ grade) before he will fully be able to use his new arms. But he has a good attitude, he is happy, positive, and said he is focused and intends to work hard to learn how to use his new arms (be expressive in emphasizing the skills to go from can’t to can). See, when you think you can’t, you must think of the soldier –funny, upbeat, positive, focused and intention (repetition with expressiveness is good). These help you to change I can’t to I can. Let us try. THEN MAKE IT A GAME.
The harder plan of Grandma action is when the grandchild starts with, “I don’t want to.” I could say that everyone has to do things they do not want to do, but that is usually a parental response. Grandmas have to be more clever than that. I reverse it. Are you sure you CAN do it? I am not so sure you CAN do it. Show me. If that does not work, go back to the beginning of this post.
Time and patience is where Grandma has the advantage. And to keep opening the Grandma bag of tricks with
Joy,
Mema
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