Nearing a half century ago, one set of our parents moved to South Florida before us when we were in our twenties. We visited this paradise for holidays. We moved to Florida as young parents. We fell in love with Florida as well as wanted our children to grow up near grandparents. The other set of then grandparents later retired to Florida, to be near family and the grandchildren. Eventually, all of the extended family moved to Florida. That was several decades ago.
Our adult children, born in Florida, are raising their families far from Florida, where their professions have taken them. This Grandma and Grandpa tell the parents of our grandchildren that they must allow us to continue to live in Florida forever, even if we are unable to care for ourselves. We tell them we thrive on sunshine and will wither up north in the cold and gray skies.
They just smile.
We help the two parent working families when we can as we are also active working professionals. If the problem arises when the grandchildren are ill or the after care or day care is closed, both sets of grandparents try to assist, but that is not always possible due to the distance of our homes to the parents of the grandchildren. We choose to remain in Florida and not move closer to the grandchildren up north while they are small and we are young Boomers.
This Grandma is now learning that “choice” may take a second seat to the reality of American family life in 2015 and beyond. We Boomers are on the move.
Just today, a GG (great grandmother) I know decided to move to Montana where the parents of her grandchildren and older grandchildren live, after raising her children in Florida and living here for decades. She is in her eighties and is concerned about waiting any longer to be closer again to family. It is a difficult decision, but she feels she must make the move while she still can.
Dear long (we never say old) newly retired friends, “downsized” and moved from our local county to another to the north of us in Florida where their adult children live, to have less of a drive to grandchildren, be more available to assist with their care, and to be able to create more traditions and rituals on a frequent basis. Recently, dear friends of theirs decided to retire in a major urban city where their child just had their first grandchild. They too have lived in South Florida for decades and are leaving their long term home, lives and relationships in South Florida. The new grandparents have never lived in the city to which they intend to move. It is a difficult decision but they want to make the move while they are still young enough to create a new life in a new city where they will have the joy of being close to their grandchild and to help take care of the grandchild.
October 4, 2015, the New York Times had an article, “Accidental New Yorkers: Grandparents Relocate,” that older adults are retiring to New York. For some, the original impetus is an urgent request to help raise a grandchild, but the pull of city life keeps them here.”
I loved the article, which you can read in its entirety at NY Times.
The article gave us the reality that, “[g]randparents are flocking to cities precisely because their adult children need them,” said Van C. Tran, an assistant professor of sociology at Columbia University. “The younger generation are working more hours than ever before, so they desperately need their parents to be around,” he said. “This is why the help that the grandparents provide is so crucial. I think we’re in a very interesting cultural norm-shifting moment because this was not expected or acceptable even a generation ago.”
“And while previous generations left cities to give their children fresh air and a better life, many millennials and Gen Xers don’t view the suburbs as aspirational places to raise children. But they do need babysitters.” The grandparents in New York are loving the city too:
“Just as this generation of parents celebrates the idea of raising children in a diverse environment, grandparents like Mrs. Swickerath see the value in it, too. “I don’t want to be around a bunch of people my own age,” she said. “I like people my age, but I like a variety of people. That’s more interesting. I like the whole multicultural thing about New York, about Brooklyn, in particular. There’s life here, you know?”
So, there are two stages and two issues here relevant to us Boomers.
As our GG (great grandmother) says, there are two stages in the third third of our lives: “young old,” and “old old.” As GG says, do everything when you are “young old,” as when you are “old old,” everything is more difficult. Moving becomes more challenging after eighty four, the age GG says is the beginning of “old old.” She should know. She is now 92.
The parents of our grandchildren may need us when their children are small and school aged, and we may need the parents of our grandchildren as we get longer (we never say older). The grandparents who decide early on to move to the location of the young grandchildren seem to be happier than those who feel the necessity to be closer because they may need the assistance of the parents of the grandchildren due to advanced age or infirmity. None of us wants to be a burden upon our families.
Then, December 24, 2015, the New York Times had a fascinating article about how “The Typical American Lives Only 18 Miles From Mom.” What did this Grandma and Grandpa do wrong that ours live about 1,500 miles away? Or, are we wrong not to uproot and move at this stage of our lives? The article brings up interesting and thought provoking studies to consider. It is important to read the entire article and to look at the map of the United States in the article here.
The authors, Quoctrung Bui and Claire Cain Miller, tell us “a key fact about the geography of family in the United States: The typical adult lives only 18 miles from his or her mother, according to an Upshot analysis of data from a comprehensive survey of older Americans. Over the last few decades, Americans have become less mobile, and most adults – especially those with less education or lower incomes – do not venture far from their hometowns. The data reveal a country of close-knit families, with members of multiple generations leaning on one another for financial and practical support. The trend will continue, social scientists say, as baby boomers need more care in old age, and the growing number of two-income families seek help with child care.”
Aha! This Grandma remembers when multigenerational households were the norm and may still be the norm around the world. Old is new again in America. The two stages and two issues this Grandma identified are addressed in the new studies.
The authors say a reason for the new norm is that “[t]he United States offers less government help for caregiving than many other rich countries. Instead, extended families are providing it, whether they never moved apart, or moved back closer when the need arose.” And the distance, “[o]ver all, the median distance Americans live from their mother is 18 miles, and only 20 percent live more than a couple hours’ drive from their parents. (Researchers often study the distance from mothers because they are more likely to be caregivers and to live longer than men.),” changes depending on two important factors of education and income:
“To some extent, people’s proximity to their parents is a reflection of opportunity: The biggest determinants of how far people venture from home are education and income. Those with college and professional degrees are much more likely to live farther from their parents than those with a high school education, in part because they have more job opportunities in big cities, and especially if spouses are juggling the career aspirations of two professionals.”
America provides opportunity and with that opportunity comes the reality that we grandparents are more likely to be the ones who are asked, encouraged, persuaded, coaxed, urged, pressed, pushed, pressured and whatever other synonym might apply, requested or required to move. The article gives so many statistics on the why, the when, and the how, but what is clear to this Grandma is that this issue is one that is going to be in the forefront of the news. . . .and the minds of us Boomers who consider ourselves forever young. Many of us are voluntarily relocating to be near the parents of our grandchildren to help with the grandchildren, and, as Boomers, our numbers are so great as to again be the subject of a “very interesting cultural norm-shifting moment because this was not expected or acceptable even a generation ago.”
The news media is saying only about 20% of us has long term care insurance, allowing us to be independent in our own homes as we enter “old old. “ The authors write, “[g]rown children are the single greatest source of care for the elderly in the United States, according to AARP. But the supply of family caregivers is not keeping pace with demand, AARP found: There are now seven potential family caregivers for every person over 80, which is expected to fall to four by 2030.”
“Compared with people in two other countries with aging populations, Germany and Italy, Americans are much more likely to say that elder care is a family’s personal responsibility, not a governmental one.”
“Yet Americans are also less likely to say they are providing their parents with help, another Pew Research Center survey found in May. Researchers say that to prepare for the influx of aging baby boomers, Americans will need to create new options for elder care, like more affordable, professional caregivers to help family members, or group living arrangements in which elderly people can help one another.”
It is one thing to choose to move to assist the parents of our grandchildren when we are “young old.” It is another to uproot ourselves when we are “old old.” So, we Boomers must examine the reality that the current studies are providing us. Based on the studies, as we get longer (never older), the only choice for the vast majority of us is becoming that we may end up moving closer to the parents of our grandchildren, leaving our long term homes, lives and relationships when it is most difficult for us to do so. This is a double whammy, as we also then have lost out on spending extensive time with our grandchildren as they grow up by living near them earlier.
We Boomers are the Americans who will need to promote the new options for elder care, or we will find ourselves without options. We Boomers are one of the largest voting blocks in America. We can move our homes, as it seems it is us, not the parents of our grandchildren, likely to have to move, but we should also consider trying to move our legislators to promote the new affordable options for elder care in place, if that is a possibility to keep choice in our options. Since the studies show that “Americans are also less likely to say they are providing their parents with help,” we should not have too much trouble convincing the adult children to promote this as well.
On the other hand, maybe the Boomers who are choosing to retire to where the parents of the grandchildren live while the Boomers are “young old” are going to be the ones who enjoy both “young old” and “old old” to the optimum. They get the joy of being with the grandchildren more of the time during their grandchildrens’ childhood and begin the newest stage of their lives while young enough to create a new home, new relationships and a new life to last the rest of their lives . . . .and live all of this third third stage of life near close family. A weighty decision to make with
Joy?
Mema
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