This Grandma writes often about our generation not being our parents’ generation. I speak of it about the way we think, the way we act, the way we feel, and that we intend to be forever young. But, we do want to be grandparents–the reward after the hard work of being parents.
Similarly, this generation of new parents is not our generation. We cannot relate to the entire social media generation and how social media has changed their personal and professional lives. We cannot relate to the speed at which their day progresses. I am now on Twitter. Instantaneously, the news appears. It is addictive to be able to get an answer immediately. Overload and over stressed is their world.
I remember the first time that Grandpa and I were sitting in the car and mentioning that we wish we knew the answer to something. Nearly simultaneously we realized that we had our IPhones with us and Siri. To be very honest, we are not that successful with Siri and she doesn’t seem to understand us. We seem to do better on Google and putting it in one letter by one letter rather than by thumbs. Now, with so many apps providing instantaneous information about anything and everything, it is no wonder that there is additional stress upon our adult children generation about becoming partners in a committed relationship, much less parents.
They have the information at their fingertips about how expensive it is to raise children. They have the information at their fingertips about how a child impacts the marital relationship. They know everything that can go wrong. We, as parents to be, had little information. It was expected that we would procreate. We had no idea what we would have and what faced us. The information did not exist, in many instances.
There is so much we Boomer Grandmas don’t know about this generation of parents to be. Only 48% of young people are marrying, and most of those are college educated. They are marrying even later than we thought we were marrying. Our parents’ generation might have married in their teens and early 20s. We married a mostly in our early 20s to mid-20s. This next generation is getting married even later and the statistics show that if they wait until they’re in their 30s they have a really good shot at a lasting marriage. The average age for a woman to marry today is 27. The average age for a man to marry is 29.
Here are eight tips of what you should or should not do when you want to be a grandma but your adult children or the future parents to be are not cooperating.
Tip Number One is leave your “adult” children alone about marriage in their early to mid twenties.
Tip Number Two is leave your “adult children” alone about procreation in their twenties.
Tip Number Three is become proactive when your adult children hit their early thirties and beyond. This younger generation does not date. This younger generation goes out in groups. What I have found about the older of the generation, those in their late 30s and early 40s, is they are reluctant to use a dating website. They are more reluctant than the people of our generation, in and my personal experience, I know many people who are in their 60s and 70s who met our spouses on a dating website. There seems to be a generation gap with regard to the benefits of a dating website.
Tip Number Four is to gift your adult child in their thirties and forties a subscription to a dating website of their choice. The gift is non negotiable and you are allowed to nag about them joining.
You may start earlier, when your “adult” children are in mid to late twenties, if they show an interest and when they are unable or unwilling to pay for it for themselves. Offer it as an unsolicited present that you will pay for the dating website. Even offer to draft the profile for them. This Grandma knows some Boomer Grandmas-to-be who monitor and actually select prospects. This is not acceptable when the “adult” children are in their twenties, but the rules change when the adult children are in their thirties. You can tell them this Grandma said so.
After all, we can point out how wonderful some arranged marriages can be due to the family support given to the marriage by the parents of the bride and groom. Giving them a dating website is an extension of saying here are your best alternatives and qualities you should look for and have a say in what those alternatives might be. We can use our wisdom of long years and experience, and mistakes of our own, to guide their profile and selection. I know a grandma who paid for a dating website for 11 years, never saying a word, just paying the bill for the dating website. The adult child, now in the early forties, is in a wonderful and serious relationship, and planning marriage and children – and that means grandchildren.
Children do better in a household with two committed parents than a single parent household. So what if it took 11 years for that parent to be to find who they believe they can stay married to. This generation does not want to divorce. They saw the large number of divorces in the 70s. They want to select better and select for longevity. Studies show that it is expected they will only divorce at a rate of about 16% committing later when they are truly adults and know who they are and their future partner knows who he or she is.
Tip Number Five is to be truthful when you speak of marriage and children.
Our adult children are reluctant to take upon themselves the financial responsibility of marriage, and even of raising children . In today’s economic times, to the 20 somethings and sometimes 30 somethings, that looks like a responsibility that is too difficult to bear. There are options and choices to become a single parent, and sometimes becoming a single parent is not a choice but has happened. Speak of what makes a good partnership, of commitment to a relationship and children, and the financial and emotional investment. We want the ‘adult” children to know what they are getting themselves into. Otherwise you may join a large segment of our population who are grandparents raising their grandchildren because the parents could not handle the responsibility or not capable of doing so. Tip Number Six is to discuss technological advances that are available.
This Grandma told her children, from the time I can remember, that they were not to marry until they were at least twenty seven. I now know I was ahead of my time on this. Then, when they were in their twenties, I told them, whether or not they ever married, I wanted to be a grandma by the time they were thirty five. Yes, I was ahead of my time on this too. Friends thought I was crazy. I think my then twenty something children probably thought I was crazy too.
Today, this Grandma recommends that when adult children reach early thirties, we can grandmas can begin exploring other options. We can explore the best sperm banks in the United States, and options like freezing sperm or freezing eggs. Our generation never had that option. There are many technological advances for our adult children who desire to be parents to use in vitro fertilization and other means. The kinds of articles and research we read and watch can be passed along with comments on how amazing all of this is.
Tip Number Seven is to respect their ultimate decision, keep your mouth closed and pocketbook open.
There is nothing wrong with offering to pay for the storage of the eggs or the sperm. There is nothing wrong with offering time and assistance with the care and raising of children.
Actually, it is our duty to support the relationship of the parents of our grandchildren to keep that relationship strong for our grandchildren. We have the time, and they need the assistance of our time, even more that what is contained in our pocketbook. When we Grandmas consider opening our pocketbooks it is to improve and protect the lives of our grandchildren.
Yes, like the generation before us, I think our generation has it all together. We have enjoyed the change in culture of our generation. We think the culture of our generation is better than what our children are dealing with. We have to remember that when we speak with them and when we don’t.
Tip Number Eight is the most important. Less is more. Do 10% of what you’d like to do if you want to be a grandma but your adult children or the future parents to be are not cooperating. Say 10% of what you would like to say if you want to be a grandma but your adult children or the future parents to be are not cooperating. Be sensitive and back off quickly. Retreat, regroup, and plan.
In the end, the parents of our grandchildren are the gatekeepers and we never want to offend the gatekeepers to preserve access to grandchildren, even if the grandchildren are still in our dreams.
Joy,
Mema
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