Family relationships are complicated. The same DNA does not guarantee family bliss. Somehow there is an expectation that when a grandchild arrives, the same disappointing parent will become the devoted and loving grandparent.
This Grandma certainly feels for Amy Klein, who wrote “Letting go of hopes for perfect grandparents: Mom, dad don’t magically change with grand kids,” in the Washington Post, December 7, 2016. She gives us her tale of woe and disappointment in her parents as parents, first during her own childhood, and then with her parents as grandparents. She herself fortunately had a loving and nurturing grandmother who stepped in and help raise her. It was her expectations of a difference when she had a child that led to her disappointment. She blames folklore and literature and writes:
“Something magical happens when parents turn into grandparents,” a well-worn needlepoint pillow reads. “Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting,” a refrigerator magnet says. “Never have children, only grandchildren,” Gore Vidal is reputed to have said.”
She quotes science:
“In science, grandmas have recently been credited with human longevity. The “grandmother hypothesis” posits that human females live so long – past their reproductive years and longer than any primate – so they can help their daughters’ offspring, thus ensuring the survival of their own genes. “Just a little bit of grandmothering is enough to account for the differences in life history between us and our closest living relative,” Kristen Hawkes, an anthropologist at the University of Utah who co-wrote the grandmother hypothesis, told Science Line.”
Reality is not magical. People are who they are. Neglectful parents will probably not turn into nurturing grandparents. But, the parents WILL be the children’s grandparents. And, fortunately for her, Amy Klein does have a role model of a loving and nurturing grandmother, so when she becomes a grandmother that is the person she will model with her own grandchildren. This is not so uncommon as one might think. I know many new grandparents who model their grandparents rather than their parents.
So, what is Amy Klein to do today? In the end of her piece, she accepts what she has in grandparents for her child. Basically, it is they who are missing out.
However, it is also the grandchild who is missing out too. To allow the child to experience a grandparent, the parent who cares may need to be proactive to create opportunities, limited in nature and limited in time, that may be positive for the child and the grandparent. Electronics in the form of Face Time can be positive on a planned once a week or even on a once a month basis. Holidays and special days can be a time when the grandparents are honored by the grandchildren and parents can create circumstances where the grandchildren are honored by the grandparents. Some parents I know buy small gifts for the grandchildren for grandparents who do not, tell the grandparents in advance or ask them in advance if they would like the parent to buy something to come from them. And yes, Amy Klein, it may mean a trip to Brooklyn for your children to personally meet the grandfather who will not travel to them, even if he does not deserve that.
Parenting is hard work and tremendous responsibility. It is important to have the supportive
assistance of extra hands and hearts in loving grandparents. Sometimes that is not to be.
Some adults are happy to be done with the hard work and responsibility of parenting and do not want it again in any form as grandparents. Yes, it is wonderful when families are perfect. But what does that mean? I once read somewhere that 80% of families are dysfunctional, or at least 80% of people think their families are dysfunctional? Life is hard work too, and everyone seems to muddle through the best they can finding happiness and joy where they can. Sometimes humans evolve and new grandparents can too.I know grandparents who were not into babies, and had nothing to do with their baby grandchildren, but loved school aged grandchildren, and vice versa.
I know grandparents who are happy to be done with parenting so much so that hands on grandparenting is not for them and holiday sharing is more than enough. Some are still working full time or dealing with medical issues they may or may not want to share. Some love the activities and life they have time for now that they are free of parenting. And there are those selfish and narcissistic people into themselves, who sound like Amy Klein’s father, who are who they are and are not likely to change.
If you, as a grandparent see yourself in any of the above, know that despite your best efforts or lack thereof, the parents of your grandchildren want you to be part of their children’s lives. They may want more than you are willing or able to give of your time and energy. Yes, they want perfection, the supportive assistance, love and companionship for their children that they see as perfection. Ask if they need help. If you reach out, remember, never say no. Say maybe. Say I’ll think about it. Never say no. See prior posts.
The grandchildren are your future. Grandparents can have all the joy and no responsibility. Read prior posts to see how. Allow yourself to consider more. Have conversations or ask questions of the parents of your grandchildren. Ask them to send a calendar of special events. However, if you do so, plan on attending at least one. If you are a planner or a last minute person, explain that as to when they should receive notice or a response as to your participation and attendance. Or don’t partake in any grand parenting and know you are not only hurting the parents of your grandchildren, you are depriving the grandchildren of knowing their history.
Nothing in life is perfect.
Yes, Amy Klein’s neglectful grandfather behavior brought up bad memories of neglectful father behavior and expectation that things would miraculously be different. Amy Klein may be happier now that she is accepting. We have who we have in the luck of the draw. I think of the Crosby Stills & Nash song,
You gotta love, oh love
You gotta love, oh love
You gotta love, love the one you’re with
The hardest part for Amy Klein is not to show her disappointment in her parents’ grand parenting to her child so her own child sees it. If she loves her child she will focus on some good in her parents to share with her child so her child will have whatever love the grandparents are capable of in her child’s life.
Joy,
Mema
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