“Grandma No Baby-sitter,” is the title of a Dear Abby column that was in the Miami Herald, August 8, 2013. Grandpa and I always say we are NOT baby-sitters. We visit with and spend time with our grandchildren. However, the grandma that wrote Dear Abby means more:
Dear Abby:
I’m a 60 year old grandmother of eight wonderful grandchildren. My question is about baby-sitting. I believe my children think we OWE them baby-sitting duties. I don’t mind baby-sitting once in a while, when I feel like it. But I don’t feel like it when the parents want to go out and party, or they tell me the last minute, “little Susie needs some Grandma time,” or they want to go to the gym because they don’t want to give up the freedom they had before their children came along.
What are your thoughts on boundaries for this generation of parents-who-want-it-all at the expense of my generation who, back in the day, if a neighbor kid couldn’t babysit, we just stayed home? I know I should have set up some rules at the beginning, but I’m starting to feel resentful of their expectations. Wants Some Freedom, Too.
Here is Dear Abby’s response:
There is truth to the saying that “good fences make good neighbors.” And the philosophy applies to many circumstances. Setting clear boundaries makes for healthier relationships. Keep in mind that many grandparents would love to have your “problem.” But as you stated, your problem was in not setting ground rules from the beginning. Because you feel resentful, it’s time to have a frank talk with your children and say that as much as the grandkids may “need” Grandma time, Grandma also needs some Grandma time.
This is what this Grandma thinks.
First, “Grandma No Babysitter” seems to feel put upon because of the reasons the children ask her to spend time with the grandchildren. She seems to resent the fact that she did not have the freedom they want . Parents of grandchildren should have some freedom and some time to rekindle their intimacy. Some do not have the finances to do so without the help of extended family. Raising children is HARD. Whatever floats parents’ boats is fine for a reason and “Grandma No Babysitter” should not look to the why, but the when and how.
I totally agree with Dear Abby that the conversation about the “when and how,” the boundaries, should have come earlier. But before the ‘when and how” can be discussed with the parents of the grandchildren, the grandma needs to decide what it is she wants in her relationship with the grandchildren. Some grandmas do not want to be hands on. Some grandmas are working and have little free time. Some grandmas do not have the physical stamina or the health to care for grandchildren and may not want to share the extent of those issues with their children, or even admit those issues to themselves. Some grandmas do not like babies or those in their “terrible twos.” Grandma needs to determine her grandma philosophy and the “when and how” that suits her and her lifestyle and desire to spend time with grandchildren.
The best time to develop a Grandma philosophy is while the first grandchild is in utero. However, we know that things change over time, and this Grandma would bet that “Grandma No Baby-sitter” felt different about the first, the second, and maybe the third grandchild. At eight grandchildren, this Grandma can understand the “been there, done that” that “Grandma No Baby-sitter” is not saying. That is an issue for another time, but one to think about, especially if your children are thinking of having many children. This Grandma does not have the stamina she had ten years ago when the first grandchild was born and does not want to admit it to herself, but feels it after a visit when muscles hurt that I did not know I had!
This Grandma’s philosophy was to spend as much time with the grandchildren as she could before they started elementary school. Other Grandmas’ grandma lesson was that the grandchildren wanted to be with their peers and not them after a time. Invest time in the grandchildren when they are little to develop the strong bond is what I was told, so I listened and I do. Other Grandmas’ next grandma lesson was that once the bond is there, as the grandchildren get older, grandma is more of an observer than a participant in the grandchildren’s lives, watching their activities, attending their games, rather than hands on (not a bad thing as we age), so take advantage of the short hands-on timeframe. I listened and I do. But then, I wanted to. Some of my grandma friends are their grandchildren’s nannies. If I could do so, I would also. So I admit I am different than “Grandma No Baby-sitter,” but different is just different, not better or worse. Everyone is entitled to their own grandma philosophy.
Next, Grandma needs to communicate the philosophy clearly, even if the grandma must admit she really does not like babies or does not feel comfortable caring for them alone. The truth is better than the assumptions that the parents of the grandchildren will come up with. It is more responsibility to take care of a grandchild than one’s own child—we are terrified that the grandchild will get hurt on our watch. Some grandmas do not feel that competent or do not want that responsibility. If so, say so.
Since this Grandma has been taught to never say no, advising “Grandma No Baby-sitter” is hard. Since it is always better not to say no, grandma should think about the “when and how” that works for her and offer it first, before being asked to baby-sit. For example, in the grandma’s circumstance, she might say to the parents that she would love to visit with and spend time with the grandchildren once a month, on a Saturday, for example. With eight grandchildren, that may mean eight times a month if she wants “alone time” with the grandchildren! Or the grandma may identify the child’s birthday time as wanting to spend a special overnight with the grandchild and that is all she can manage to schedule at this time in her life. The grandma can give the parents her desired availability and have them work their needs and desires around that time. If the grandma is financially able, she might offer to pay for a baby-sitter once in a while, to help out the parents of her grandchildren.
This Grandma feels it comes down to that one reaps what they sow. Any grandma must decide how much involvement and time she wants with her grandchildren, and understand that her wants and desires might change, but the parents of her grandchildren and her grandchildren might not then be able to fit her in their lives at that time. Think long term, not short term. The parents of your grandchildren might need you now but you might need them later. Grandma is a role model for the family for how members of a family take care of one another and are there for one another.
A family takes care of its own and tries to make life better for the entire family unit is how this Grandma views family and is this Grandma’s grandma philosophy.
A lot to think about for any grandma to reap grandparenting
Joy,
Mema
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