In this Grandma’s era of a mid term marriage in the doldrums, it was called the “seven year itch.” Now, it seems it is called the “ten year doldrums.” The connotation is the same. A relationship has reached a stale stage where the excitement and intimacy is missing. Amy Dickinson was asked to give advice regarding this issue in the Sun Sentinel on August 13, 2015:
“DEAR AMY: My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have a 4-year-old son.”
“The problem is that it seems like we are just living together and not really married. There is no family time, no sharing between the two of us, and no intimacies. We both work at tech firms and whatever spare time there is, she goes to her parents’ house with our son (or by herself).”
“This has been going on for some time now and I feel left out. At the same time there is someone at my child’s school whom I have started to like. She is the mother of another kid in the same class. While we haven’t really talked and I don’t know if she is really looking, I feel like talking to her and asking her out. Does this mean it’s time to move on? — Unsure Husband”
“DEAR UNSURE: It is bad form (to say the least) for a married person to ask someone out. But being attracted to someone else doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed; it just means that you are alive. Many marriages go through a period where the spark, the thrill and the intimacy seem to vanish. This is especially true when parents are working demanding full-time jobs and raising children.”
“You should try at least two things before you consider giving up on your marriage: Connect with your family as a unit – this means that on days off, you and your wife take at least one outing with your son. The three of you might kick a ball in the park, splash in a wading pool together or visit your local children’s museum. Many parents divide and conquer their time, and it’s hard to build a family life when you don’t actually spend time together.”
“Second, you and your wife should have “date nights” where you spend time alone as a couple. If you are both motivated, you can repair your relationship, but it will take a mutual commitment to get there.”
This Grandma agrees with Amy that the unsure husband should not give up on the marriage. Amy addresses the two issues the husband raises: (1) lack of family time and (2) lack of intimacy. However, Amy fails to directly address what actually works with regard to intimacy repair.
Life interferes with marriage. Children interfere with marriage. The marriage is a relationship independent of the individuals and must be nurtured to grow and sustain. Arranged marriages that thrive do so because of one major special component–strong family support. Because the parents select the spouse, they are invested in the marriage of their children and actively assist and promote the marriage to an extent greater than in our American “love marriages.”
This Grandma believes that it is the duty of the parents of the married spouses to do so in all cases, and there are tips to help the marriage of the parents of our grandchildren avoid the doldrums.
Number One
Be honest about how hard it is to be married or in a committed relationship, even before the marriage takes place. The small annoyances become more pronounced after the marriage. Point out how difficult it is for the parent of the grandchild to get along with siblings they grew up with, have history and family culture with. Be honest that a good, strong relationship requires commitment, even more than love.
Number Two
Promote premarital compatibility testing and premarital marriage counseling. The testing defines what issues and problems the future spouses will need to address and the counseling assists in developing skills on how to deal with the issues before the problems occur. To have a strong marriage, the partners must have a strong relationship and skills to deal with what life throws at them. Encourage the skill building.
Number Three
Our children are mating later and have a better chance of staying in a committed relationship if the partners are in at least their late twenties when they begin the marital relationship. The thirties are even better. How things have changed! We were considered “old maids” if we did not have a partner and a commitment right out of college.
However, committing to a relationship later, although it brings the divorce rate down for the parents of our grandchildren, does not guarantee that the relationship of the parents of our grandchildren will not hit the doldrums.
The first thing that goes wrong in the relationship is loss of intimacy, as the unsure husband above mentions. When there are no children, the spouses can be spontaneous, go on vacations, enjoy alone time. When there are children, the children interfere with the maintenance of the adult intimate connection. Again, be honest with the parents of your children, and do more. Promote and facilitate the intimacy when there are grandchildren. This is more important for the grandchildren than the parents. It is important to the welfare of the grandchildren that their parents’ relationship remains strong.
It does not take much on grandma’s part. One twenty four hour period four times a year where the parents of the grandchildren are free to be spontaneous, go on a mini vacation away from home, and enjoy time alone does the trick. The spouses must go away, not at home, and leave all electronics at home. One can always find things to do at home; going away means they are with each other. This is such a win-win. We grandmas get spoiling time. Four overnights a year is a small amount, even for the grandma who is reluctant to be involved.
Now, to specifically address something the unsure husband wrote Amy. He mentions the maternal grandparents, but they seem oblivious to how they are hurting the relationship of the parents. We grandmas must be alert and aware and question the parent only who is our own child. We may have alone time with the parent who is our child and the grandchild, but we must offer to babysit too to give both parents alone time together. The alone time together away from the home, the children, the normal routine, and electronics quarterly for twenty four hours is the key to maintaining intimacy and avoiding the doldrums.
When a marriage has hit the doldrums, more aid and assistance is needed from grandma. Twenty four hours alone must occur once a month for at least six months, followed by marriage counseling beginning no sooner than after three months. If the parent of a grandchild mentions any of the above such as what the unsure husband mentioned, restoration of intimacy must begin before marriage counseling begins. If the parent mentions going to counseling, recommend the alone weekend time first and immediately take the grandchildren once a month, and once a week give the parents an opportunity to have a date night as Amy recommends. But the date night should, if possible, include a grandchild overnight. Build back the intimacy first, so the marriage counseling begins on a positive note with some level of reconnection of why the parents got together in the first place. There is a study that 85% of couples have sex on vacation to give you some idea of the benefits of time away and alone.
Life interferes with intimacy. Intimacy restoration is the key. Family time will follow when the parents of the grandchildren again find each other’s company enjoyable above all else. They will look for ways everyone can be together. Of course, it does not hurt to mention special family events in the community. . . .once intimacy is restored.
If the parents of our grandchildren ask for alone time, this is an example of when we grandmas never say no. We grandmas can help and helping our grandchildren live in a happy home brings
Joy,
Mema
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