Holiday season comes and everyone seems happy. The operative word is SEEMS. This Grandma reads every advice column and this season was no different than past–how to deal with obnoxious relatives we really do not want to see, how to deal with estrangements in the family, how to deal with loneliness even when with others, how to deal with others generally. It seems that holiday time brings all emotions to the surface that belie “happy holidays.”
Unfortunately, part of the theme of the holidays is to evaluate the good and the bad of the year and rid ourselves of what we think is bad. Bad emotion overload may lead to bad –hurt feelings, break ups, losses, bad decisions. Dealing from emotion, our children suffer unhappiness during the holidays, it seems more than happiness.
A long time ago, I saw a Law and Order television episode where the female lieutenant told a couple, “we are only as happy as our unhappiest child.” I have remembered and repeated that wise and true statement since.
When we or a friend are dealing with unhappiness over an unhappy child, it comes easily to point to those who have lost children and how sad they must feel–sadder than the unhappiness we are feeling. That does not seem helpful. I find that when I am unhappy because a child is unhappy, I feel worse than the child does and do not realize when he child is recovering from the unhappiness because I am wallowing in unhappiness!
What does this grandma think is helpful? Reminding the friend or the child that when someone is emotional one is not thinking of productive action.
Holidays and emotions go together. While we create new memories, old ones come up and affect us in ways we may not anticipate. It is almost like we should take a deep breath and do nothing–like experts tell us to do when we suffer a loss. Maybe we should make no decisions over the holidays from now on and share that thought. Maybe that is part of the reason for New Year’s resolutions. Deal with the old by making new plans for the new AFTER the holidays.
In the meantime, this Grandma thinks that the best thing to do is say little – watch, wait, and listen to the unhappiness of the unhappiest child. The best sentence I learned about giving advice is to ask a question, “would you like to hear what I think?” It seems people listen better when they want to hear what you think. Sometimes children do not want to be told what to do or are not ready to hear us.
And we grandmas do have valid and constructive advice to give. Long years of experience have shown us what does and does not work. And we are of the generation that are able to share our thoughts and ideas with friends dear to us–and the pain of an unhappy child. We do not first go to the internet as our children seem to. We grandmas can watch, wait, and listen to our friends who are unhappy because of an unhappy child and just be there for them. We understand too. At some point, we are all there.
This Grandma thinks we sometimes need to give emotion a holiday hiatus. I like that term. Emotion needs a holiday hiatus.
Too much emotional overload exists in this fast paced and intense world. Our unhappiness over an unhappy child overshadows our ability to see that there may be happiness again. For the New Year, maybe we should step back and be prepared for happiness to return. It will.
Joy,
Mema
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