We Boomer Grandmas have a vested interest in promoting marriage in this decade. After all, we know that a committed healthy relationship is the best breeding ground for healthy grandchildren.
After recently participating in our son’s wedding, two adults in their early forties, what this Grandma calls the modern successful way to marry, and intending to post about it, before I got to the computer to put my thoughts to paper, all I read this week in the media was gloom and doom about marriage.
We are stuck with a negative view of marriage because of the aftereffects of the enormous number of divorces in the 1970’s. The children of those divorces, many of who suffered through the high conflict relationships of their parents, are clearly down on marriage. They do not want to be a statistic nor bring a child in this world who will be a statistic. Even Chelsea Handler got media space in Time Magazine May 30, 2016, with “We Should Laud Singledom, Not Lament It,” in which she has internalized the old statistics of “about 50% of first marriages and even more second marriages end up in the divorce incinerator.” Her conclusion promotes diversity, that we all should allow freedom of choice, that “society needs to embrace singlehood in all of its spendiferous, solitary glory.” She is wrong about marriage, but right about lauding the period of life called singlehood . This Grandma bets her parents would still like to have grandchildren. Hopefully her siblings in her “big, loving family” have assisted in rewarding her parents with many grandchildren for surviving the hard work of parenting.
Then, the New York Times printed an editorial May 28, 2016, “Why You will Marry the Wrong Person,” described as “Embrace a philosophy of pessimism. Every human will disappoint you, and you’ll do the same to them.” It follows Chelsea Handler’s theme and includes such statements as “Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for.” Yuch!
However, even we of the Boomer Generation heard this theme. GG (my mother, Great Grandmother), in the 1970’s, when hearing of so many of the divorces, said, “doesn’t anyone stay unhappily married anymore?”
The author of the New York Times article, Alain de Botton, ultimately blames romantic marriage. He says, “it has made a lot of what we go through in marriage seem exceptional and appalling. We end up lonely and convinced that our union, with its imperfections, is not “normal.” We should accommodate ourselves to “wrongness,” striving always to adopt a more forgiving, humorous and kindly perspective on its multiple examples in ourselves and in our partners.”
This opinion piece is one of the most emailed of this week, and this Grandma wonders why everyone wants to read such marriage “gloom and doom.” This Grandma has a different view of modern marriage, which is that modern marriage has changed and has a greater chance of being wonderful if done at the right time with the right expectations. Alain de Botton’s hopefulness about marriage, that it requires forgiveness, humor and kindness, seems lost in his negative message.
First, this Grandma gives what I call new realities about divorce. The divorce rate depends in this decade. More college educated adults are marrying and marrying when they are adults– in their late 20’s, and better yet, in their 30’s and 40’s. Why better yet? This Grandma told her children growing up not to even think about marrying before age 27, as even if they knew who they were, their prospective spouse might not know who he or she was. No child married before age 27. Now the statistics show if college educated adults marry at age 27 or older for the female partner and age 29 for the male partner, the likely divorce rate is 16%. This is Utopia for a Boomer Grandmother who wants grandchildren to grow up in a healthy and committed parental environment.
So, how can we reconcile the gloom and doom of those stuck in the 1970’s view of marriage with what makes a modern marital relationship healthy, committed and WONDERFUL?
This Grandma’s theme is one of optimism and reality.
We are living longer so there is no harm in being single for as long as one wants to be. We should do as Chelsea Handler says, and stop asking when those who are single will marry and allow them to enjoy their lives and learn what is important to them about living their view of a wonderful life.
We of the Boomer generation paired off too young. Even those marrying in their forties today will be married for at least half a century. With in vitro fertilization and modern medical miracles, becoming a grandparent can happen. . . . when it becomes right for the single adult, if ever. Some people never grow up or never want to grow up and, at one point, can find happiness in a healthy and committed marital relationship in the one hundred years of life expectancy.
The problem is that we do not know what a wonderful marriage means in this decade. Change is upon us, at lightening speed. We are afraid to commit. We are afraid that we are going to miss something. We are afraid of the old statistics of 50% of first marriages ending in divorce and 65% of second marriages ending in divorce (statistically, primarily because of conflicts over children of the first marriage).
So, after rereading the opinion piece in the New York Times, I got it. Expectation breeds disappointment. Our expectations are all wrong about modern marriage. Think about growing up with a sibling, who shares the same DNA and environment for formative years. The siblings fight and do not get along, even after sharing the same DNA and environment for years. Why do we expect that two different individuals of two different DNA and two totally different upbringings would be happy all of the time together. It will not happen. Here is this Boomer Grandma’s theme for a healthy committed and wonderful marriage:
A PERFECT MARRIAGE IS ONE IN WHICH YOU ARE HAPPY 70% OF THE TIME
If the expectation is that one will be happy 70% of the time in a marriage, a marriage has a chance of being wonderful. Everyone has faults. Yes, they do amplify after marriage. But, if we put those in the 30% box, we still can have a perfect marriage. What makes a modern marital relationship healthy, committed and wonderful is changing the expectations of what makes a perfect marriage.
Now, here is a toast to our son and his new marital partnership, the post that this Grandma intended to write. The title of the post was to be “The Beauty of Love and Commitment Between Those Marrying in Their Forties.” Here are the characteristics, in addition to being college educated, and older when marrying, that he and his partner show with each other and why their marriage brings a huge smile to this Grandma’s face.
EACH KNOWS THE OTHER IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND ACCEPTS THE OTHER AS HE OR SHE IS
Our son and his spectacular bride know themselves. Because each knows himself and herself, each can be and has been honest and open with each other. Yes, they had and have stars in their eyes, but the foundation is strong, because each knows his own and her own strengths and weaknesses, and has not kept that from their partner. Being mature and having had previous relationships, each knows the other is not going to change and each accepts the other as he or she is.
EACH ENTERED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH LOVE, NOT THE ILLUSION OF LOVE
Our son and his spectacular bride have lived long enough to know the difference between lust and love. Each has entered the relationship with a calm and easy love, not enamored with the illusion of love.
EACH KNOWS EXPECTATIONS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS AND THE REALITY OF LIFE
Our son and his spectacular bride have the wisdom of years and life. Each has had the hardships of expectations and disappointments, and knows that the reality of life will bring more. They have decided to tackle these as a team, and use the strengths of the other to comfort and assist them through tacking the hardships of life together.
EACH KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF COMPANIONSHIP AND KINDNESS
Our son and his spectacular bride wrote their own vows separately. When they spoke them aloud during their wedding ceremony, they were alike. Each emphasized the importance of companionship and kindness. Choosing to commit to a life of companionship and kindness shows that these two of mature years know what makes for a wonderful and healthy committed relationship.
MATURE LOVE AND COMMITMENT
Our son and his spectacular bride of mature love understand that commitment is the glue of those whose marital relationship lasts. The two individuals have joined together to create a third entity, a marital relationship. Each individual’s commitment to the marital relationship bodes well for its success. When times get rough, and times always seem to get rough at some point during a relationship and life, their commitment to remain together through the storms, based on mature love, will carry them through.
And yes, this is the beauty of love and commitment between those marrying later. Modern marriage has changed FOR THE BETTER. Modern marriage can be wonderful if at the right time and with the right expectations. And, it is a perfect union in which to bring grandchildren for our grandparent
Joy,
Mema
P.S. To promote reality, and opinion in opposition to the media’s focus on marital gloom and doom, please make this post the one that is most passed on to others this week.
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