In the Sun Sentinel, Amy Dickinson titled her column, ASK AMY, “Irresponsible Grandparents.” This, of course, caught my interest:
Dear Amy: I am the mother of three children who enjoy going to my mom and stepfather’s house to spend the night. The issue is that my stepfather smokes in their home and vehicle.
I have spoken to them and stated that my husband and I do not want our children around smoking. I asked that he not smoke in the home and car when our children are there.
My children have come home and told us that he continues to smoke in their presence.
My children also tell us that they don’t eat at times when they are there.
I do know that the couple’s cleanliness is not the greatest. Their dog has been ill with untreated illnesses.
Due to all these factors I have decided not to let my children in the home. It is my job to protect them, and I feel my mom and stepfather should respect my wishes.
Am I overreacting? And how should I handle this situation, since saying something before has not changed anything. — Protective Mother
Amy Dickinson reminded the “Protective Mother” that she is the gatekeeper. This Grandma has always said that we grandmas must always respect the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper controls access to the grandchildren. Here is Amy Dickinson’s response:
Dear Mother: You are the parent and you get to decide the conditions under which your children will spend the night. Given what you report, your choice seems appropriate.
You cannot control your parents’ behavior. You can only declare your parameters and be consistent in your own behavior.
This Grandma loved that Amy Dickinson said that no one can control another’s behavior.
First, this mother has a choice. Being free of three children overnight is a wonderful treat, but if the cost is too great that the treat is not worth it. The next ones to explain the newly created distance from the grandparents is to the grandchildren .
This question and answer does not mention grandma.
Second, this mother should give grandma a choice. This Grandma would recommend that the daughter talk to her mother first and explain the issues. It may be there is no negotiation with the stepfather, but grandma may choose to spend the night at the daughter’s house, with the stepfather coming for dinner, and going home smoking in his car, to his home to smoke.
What is going to be difficult is to now change the rules midstream. There are three children so the overnights probably have been going on for a while. Waiting until the straw. . . may mean more questions as to why now. Mother needs to be prepared to explain why the rules have changed. This Grandma knows a new mother who has put the rules of no smoking in the house or around the newborn started the parameters and boundaries early. It does not mean that the rules are accepted more easily; it is just that grandma must learn early to respect the gatekeeper.
Being creative, while being protective, is the way to avoid the irresponsible behavior. Shorter visits, and maybe visits when stepfather is not around, are one alternative for mother above. Planning outings and inviting the grandparents to join the outings might avoid the problems as well.
Third and finally, the grandma has a choice to change her behavior or lose access to the grandchildren. The ultimate choice to follow what the Mother wants is up to grandma who wants grandma
Joy,
Mema
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