Two articles a week apart in the New York Times about a Pew Study on the new twenty first century family give us two views by the same author, Claire Cane Miller. In the first article, November 4, 2015, “Stressed, Tired, Rushed: A Portrait of the Modern Family,” she focused on how the Pew survey captures how working parents are feeling shorted on time with their children, friends, partners or hobbies. It seems that our laws and society have not met the needs of the working parents, and those with college educations “were significantly more likely than other parents to say work-family balance is difficult.
The data are the latest to show that while family structure seems to have permanently changed, public policy, workplace structure and mores have not seemed to adjust to a norm in which both parents work.”
“This is not an individual problem, it is a social problem,” said Mary Blair-Loy, a sociologist and the founding director of the Center for Research on Gender in the Professions at the University of California, San Diego. “This is creating a stress for working parents that is affecting life at home and for children, and we need a societal-wide response.”
The adverse effect on the family, and our grandchildren is great:
“That tension is affecting American family life, Pew found. Fifty-six percent of all working parents say the balancing act is difficult, and those who do are more likely to say that parenting is tiring and stressful, and less likely to find it always enjoyable and rewarding. . . .She said policies like paid family leave and after-school child care would significantly ease parents’ stress. Yet today, families mostly figure out the juggle on their own.”
We Boomer grandmas have clout in numbers. Many of us are still working and are in positions of leadership. We should promote and support policies that address the concerns of the twenty first century family, and, in the meantime, help the families with their juggling act, whenever and however we can. We know that a happy household is one with less stress, not more.
In both articles, Ms. Miller gives us interesting statistics about how today’s families are changing and are different:
“As more mothers have entered the U.S. workforce in the past several decades, the share of two-parent households in which both parents work full time now stands at 46%, up from 31% in 1970. At the same time, the share with a father who works full time and a mother who doesn’t work outside the home has declined considerably; 26% of two-parent households today fit this description, compared with 46% in 1970, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of Current Population Survey data.”
Economically, two working parents make the family better off according to the study:
“In economic terms, families with two full-time working parents are better off than other families. The median household income for families with two full-time working parents and at least one child under 18 at home is $102,400, compared with $84,000 for households where the father works full time and the mother works part time and $55,000 for households
where the father works full time and the mother is not employed. “
Now we get to the focus of Ms. Miller’s second article on the same Pew Study, “Men Do More at Home, but Not as Much as They Think, “ by Claire Cane Miller, in the New York Times, November 12, 2015. She writes:
“Men today are much more committed to equality at home, sharing dinner-cooking and diaper-changing duties, than in previous generations. But even in families in which both parents work outside the home, the division of labor at home remains unequal. Men tend to disagree. They say they do as much housework and child care as their wives – even though data show that they don’t.”
“This disconnect shows up in surveys, like a recent one of two-income families by Pew Research Center in which fathers said they shared home and child responsibilities equally, while mothers said they did more. But the mothers’ perceptions are supported by plentiful research, including more rigorous data collection in which people keep diaries of the ways they spend their time.”
“The results offer one reason that the gender revolution in the workplace has stalled in many ways – particularly around the time women start having children. Despite enormous advances for women in the labor market, they still shoulder much more responsibility at home.”
The Pew study and both articles are saying the same thing, that it is the working mothers who still do more with organizing the children:
“About half (54%) of parents in households where both the mother and the father work full time say that, in their family, the mother does more when it comes to managing the children’s schedules and activities; 47% also say this is the case when it comes to taking care of the children when they’re sick. But most parents in this type of household say the mother and the father share tasks about equally when it comes to household chores and responsibilities (59%), disciplining (61%) and playing or doing activities with the kids (64%).”
Work-family balance is difficult in two parent working families, but
“Working mothers (60%) are somewhat more likely than fathers (52%) to say it’s difficult for them to balance work and family, and this is particularly the case for mothers who work full time. In fact, one-in-five full-time working moms say balancing the two is very difficult for them, compared with 12% of dads who work full time and 11% of moms who work part time.
. . .Most parents, including at least eight-in-ten mothers (86%) and fathers (81%), say they feel rushed at least sometimes. But for many mothers who work full time, feeling rushed is an almost constant reality. In fact, four-in-ten full-time working moms say they always feel rushed, even to do the things they have to do; an additional 50% say they sometimes feel rushed and just 10% never feel rushed.”
What is important for us Boomer grandmas is to recognize the reality that the primary family burden falls on the mother, even if the mother works more than the father.
Whoever is your child, the parent of your grandchild, it is the mother who needs more of our help and awareness to help, to recognize and verbalize the recognition of this reality. Empathy of the tremendous load and responsibility and offers to help as much as possible under the circumstances will be greatly appreciated by both parents of the grandchildren, and more by the mother. It is a great part of honoring the gatekeeper to our grandchildren. Remember, according to the study, the fathers believe differently, but the study does not bear out what they believe.
Yes, it is but one study, and a specific family can vary from the study, but when we grandmas deal with the mother of our grandchildren we should honor and respect what the mother accomplishes and the sacrifices and hardships the mother endures to make those accomplishments.
While so much has changed and is different than when we Boomer grandmas raised our children, the heavy family lifting does not seem to have changed as much as we think.
Joy,
Mema
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