One of this Grandma’s mantras is that each family is unique and there is no right way or one way to raise kids. The grandchildren will be fine, even if grandparents have to let their parents raise them. After all, we did raise one of their parents. We want to experience joy, not responsibility, with grandchildren.
So, this Grandma believes that if something works for the family and is not harmful, neglectful or dangerous to the grandchildren, then how is anyone to judge that the family culture or practice is wrong. For example, when parents of our grandchildren expressed belief in the family bed, something this Grandma only had heard of in the context of some tabloid story, probably not true, that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a giant bed so all of their children could sleep with them, I got busy doing, but said nothing. If we cannot say anything positive, we offer nothing to the gatekeepers of our grandchildren.
This Grandma did research as it seemed that a family bed concept could not be possibly in the best interests of the grandchildren. It turns out that it does not matter either way if children sleep in one bed with their parents or sleep in their own bed. During most of history and in many cultures, the family slept and still sleeps together. It turns out that it is better for younger siblings to share a room, that the siblings become closer. It turns out that there is a theory that one of the causes of the younger generations not marrying is that they grew up with their own rooms and like their privacy rather than sharing with another. This skeptical Grandma ultimately came up with her own good reason for the family bed. The grandchildren would be more likely to want to marry as they are used to sleeping in a bed with another. This bodes well for great grandchildren sooner rather than later!
So, when this Grandma saw the headline in the Sunday Review section of the July 24, 2016, New York Times, “The Right Way to Bribe Kids to Read,” that “studies show rewards backfire. But what if they don’t come in cold, hard cash,” I just knew the author, KJ Dell’Antonia, was just going to trash parents’ choices on how to get children to read, and then try to convince us that her ideas were the right way to do so.
The author reports on a British study that parents of three to eight year olds admitted offering their children rewards for reading. A concern quoted by an author of “Why We Do What We Do,” who was also a professor, was that children would only continue reading so long as they were rewarded and would not see the benefit of reading for the pleasure of it, but only for the reward.
Then, there was a report quoted that this Grandma felt was important: “some experts actually agree that rewards can be useful, especially for younger readers. . . .that doesn’t necessary preclude the development of intrinsic motivation later. . . Although some children love a challenge, for many, it’s hard to find pleasure in reading until it comes easily.”
This makes sense. Reading is a learned skill and the better a child is as a reader the more reading will seem like fun. The real trick is to get children hooked on reading, and it seems rewards work well for younger readers.
Although delivered as though reading itself must be shown to be valuable by parents for it to be valued by children, reading books beginning when children are very young is educationally important for many reasons, more than addressed in the New York Times article. This Grandma thinks reading to children very early is most important.
Communication, building vocabulary, learning new things and developing more interests are just some of the benefits of reading, and reading TO children early. That is why this Grandma has posts on choosing books for grandchildren beginning with newborns! There are so many posts and choices for books on every topic to interest every grandchild at every age. If we find what they like, whether it is a topic, such as dinosaurs, an author, or the illustrator, books open the world to children and allow parents — and –grandparents to share the world with them.
This Grandma does not believe it is only “when we set aside time for reading, or set limits on other activities, we’re showing our children that we support them in developing an important skill.” When we read with them, we are also developing their skill. Reading to babies and toddlers, I have found they want the book read over and over again. Grandparents have the patience to answer affirmatively to the single word the toddler may say, “more.” As a grandparent, I have counted reading the same picture book fourteen times in a row before it was enough for my grandson. Sooner rather than later, he could “read’ it to me, as he had memorized it.
Yes, children imitate their parents, and if parents read, children will want to read. However, this Grandma rarely sees parents reading hard copies of books anymore. The parents of our grandchildren, and many of us grandparents, read books on our electronics. And, the grandchildren want the electronics. This Grandma still believes in real paper books for grandchildren, making great visit presents.
There is no argument that it is important to have children learn to read and read often. Of course, the author got to the practice of paying for reading, whether a price for a page or a price for a book and speaks negatively about this:
“Money may be motivating, but so is living in a home where books and reading are part of family life – and it’s that, rather than the various reward programs, that I plan to focus on at our house. Bribes, Dr. Briggs noted, are relatively easy, and many children know it. Reading together, choosing books, talking about words and stories, or even going to the library is “ a lot harder than taking a dollar out of our wallets,” she said, and ultimately worth a lot more.”
There. We see it. Placing a value on a type of parenting, as set forth in ”The Right Way to Bribe Kids to Read” is wrong. The children will grow up just fine and will be okay. Each family is unique and there is no right way or one way to raise kids. The grandchildren will be fine, even if grandparents have to let their parents raise them. After all, we did raise one of their parents.
We want to experience joy, not responsibility, with grandchildren. We grandparents can provide enrichment too. And with the busy households our grandchildren live in with this generation of two working parents, isn’t it wonderful that they have grandparents. Who says it only has to be the parents who read together with the child, choose books, talk about words and stories, or even take trips to the library and bookstore!
Grandparents are the best reward.
Joy,
Mema
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