Watching the national news the last few days was watching and hearing about resiliency. Jill Abramson, the first woman to be the executive editor of the New York Times, in less than three years on the job, was fired. Speaking at the commencement at Wake Forest University, she told the graduates that what they would need to survive in the modern world was resiliency.
Then the news went to the weather and the tornados in the Midwest. The parents of a young survivor of a tornado in which six or seven schoolmates in his school with him were killed actually allowed the young boy to be interviewed by the media, asked how it felt to survive, and did he miss his classmates. He did not need to mention his resiliency. He exuded it.
Resilience is the trait or ability which allows someone to prevent, minimize or overcome the damaging effects of adversity. As someone of more long years than I like to admit, this Grandma thought that resiliency, like temperament, was visible in a baby at birth and could not be changed, but that a caregiver had to be conscientious of these traits and treat a child accordingly. Now, after looking on the internet to learn more about resiliency, I found otherwise. Yes, we must adapt our care to resiliency or fragility in a baby and child, but now I know more—we CAN make a difference and increase the resiliency in a child, even as a baby.
With our world in physical turmoil, political turmoil, economic turmoil, and every sort of chaos and danger outside our doors and on our computers, a child’s vulnerability to adversity, challenges in life, anxiety, stress or unfamiliarity is an important factor to pay attention to by parents in determining how to parent the child.
Of course, I first went to Wikipedia to learn more about resiliency. According to Wikipedia, psychological resilience is defined as an individual’s ability to properly adapt to stress and adversity. Stress and adversity can come in the shape of family or relationship problems, health problems, or workplace and financial stressors, among others. Individuals demonstrate resilience when they can face difficult experiences and rise above them with ease. Resilience is not a rare ability; in reality, it is found in the average individual and it can be learned and developed by virtually anyone. Resilience should be considered a process, rather than a trait to be had. There is a common misconception that people who are resilient experience no negative emotions or thoughts and display optimism in all situations. Contrary to this misconception, the reality remains that resiliency is demonstrated within individuals who can effectively and relatively easily navigate their way around crises and utilize effective methods of coping. In other words, people who demonstrate resilience are people with positive emotionality; they are keen to effectively balance negative emotions with positive ones.
Resilience is composed of particular factors attributed to an individual. There are numerous factors, which cumulatively contribute to a person’s resilience. The primary factor in resilience is having positive relationships inside or outside one’s family. It is the single most critical means of handling both ordinary and extraordinary levels of stress. These positive relationships include traits such as mutual, reciprocal support and caring. Such relationships aid in bolstering a person’s resilience. Studies show that there are several other factors which develop and sustain a person`s resilience:
1. The ability to make realistic plans and being capable of taking the steps necessary to follow through with them
2. A positive self-concept and confidence in one’s strengths and abilities
3. Communication and problem-solving skills
4. The ability to manage strong impulses and feelings
According to an excellent study on children and promoting resiliency I then found on the internet, resiliency can be taught and parents should teach it. We grandmas should pass the study and its tips along to the parents of our grandchildren. .
In this study, 589 children, almost half boys and girls, half aged 9-11 and half six years or younger, participated as well as their families and caregivers. Among the difficulties experienced within the family by a child, death of parents or grandparents was number one in order of frequency in the study. Divorce and separation were numbers two and three. I can bet many of our grandchildren are facing these top three, among the long list of adversities. Sometimes these challenges come when the child does not have the skills of resiliency to fall back on. We grandmas must be there to help.
According to the study, the child, to become resilient, must first have trusting relationships from family and those others who provide care, such as other extended family members, caregivers, and teachers. Yes, as usual, home is the most important place. But, we grandmas can provide respite and support to grandchildren overcoming adversity in their home.
Second, the resilient child has parents who provide clear rules and routines, expect the child to follow them, and tasks the child is expected to perform with parents’ reliance that the child will do so. Remember this Grandma’s mantra, joy not responsibility, means we grandmas should not be the parents and it is the parents who should be responsible to provide the boundaries of childhood development.
Third, the resilient child has role models who act in ways to show the child desired and acceptable behavior for the child to imitate, and help the child show initiative and autonomy. Yes, grandmas everywhere, we are and can be such role models too.
Personally, internally, the resilient child is aware that he or she is loved and lovable, and is loving empathic and altruistic, proud, autonomous, responsible and full of hope faith and trust. Aha! This is where grandparents excel. Unconditional love is our duty and joy and what the grandchild needs to build resiliency. Next time a seemingly fragile grandchild or a grandchild suffering any major or minor trauma of life needs a grandma hug, know that with the warm hug and soothing words we are helping to make the child more resilient as well as loved and nurtured.
The resilient child can communicate, problem solve, manage feelings and impulses, gauge his or her own temperament and that of others, and seeks trusting relationships. Yes, parents of our grandchildren have the day to day responsibilities, but, as a grandma of almost eleven years of experience, I have found that I can also make a difference here. Now, I will consciously make the effort to make a difference.
Child development experts give us the list of tasks a child must complete psychosocially at each age. This study goes through each stage and how to increase resiliency with easy steps to follow, for example, how a parent deals with a baby screaming and kicking for unknown reasons. The study says to promote resilience, you do not just change the diaper, and walk away and let the baby cry it out. The baby needs to be held, calmed down, and comforted so the baby knows he is loved and cared for, and then can the baby begin to calm himself or herself down. Distraction, removal from situation, and explanation thereafter is the way to build resilience in a toddler. The preschooler needs to know his or her needs will be met, and that initiative is developed through pretend play, self control is taught (ie. taking a deep breath or counting to ten to themselves to calm themselves). Dealing positively with frustration is an example of a young school age child’s challenge, and how the parent empathizes and lets the child know his feels are understood, helps the child verbalize frustration, discuss alternatives, encourages independence, initiative and autonomy with loving support will promote resiliency.
Why should we care about our grandchildren’s resiliency? Jill Abramson said it simply and best: what they need to survive in the modern world is resiliency.
I often say to other grandmas that I am glad I do not have to raise children in today’s world.
We grandmas want our grandchildren to survive the obstacles that we of long years know they will face in modern life. We want our grandchildren to experience
Joy,
Mema
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